I want to feel....

And then comes the point of surrendering where you give up all your thoughts,struggle and hand-over yourself  to fate.I feel so awkward when i use such words but then is not 19 equal to Montessori classes?Ok,i shouldn't talk about complex things but at the same moment i am not a toy with whom all can play and then throw it out to have a new one.And,maybe,for these days He has developed a thing in me which they call inconsistency or carelessness.One day,my words will get maturity and sense.They should get.

This thinking and not-thinking baffles me.How helpless,i feel when i don't want to think anything.but then,you can't force things to enter in your brain to shatter it.I feel so weak,so feeble now-a-days.I am not talking about mental distortion as it was ever green but of physical health.My chubby cheeks are getting more ugly,the dark circle around frustrate eyes,complexion getting pale,one jerk and i am dead!a walking stick!...

Its like i am an old man on his death-bed.

I want to feel the life.Those laughter ever missed by me.Those smiles always faded away.I created a dark cell around me and ruled there for years and when i realized it is killing me,i am yearning to get out of it.I am like that pharaoh,who was drowned in his own kingdom's river.I am sinking in this river of darkness.I am dying in parts and,one day,i'll be wholly dead.This depression frustrates me.It enchants my soul with an unknown intensity that leads me to undefinable silence.A silence that, sometimes,kills me and heals me on other time.I've seen a change in me.A change that controls me when try to speak out my irresistible thoughts,it makes me to put my finger on my lips when i try to exhale my sufferings.How...torturous!

I want to feel things around me just as others do but i always find myself stuck to some unseen episodes and this is not good to my health.I hope it won't eat my heart.

Just with a hope i am living.