Talking to me,when i am going,eh?
Why to think of those
faces who never counted you?If I talk about myself, then I should say, silence
has killed my inner self. A real me. It has killed me. What I really can
do,now,is just to listen others. Their’s
frustrations which they pour on me and I absorb it somewhere in me.I never
tried to think on them seriously.I’ve my own issues which can never be solved
so it’s better to stay silent.A silence which covers my filth and dirt.So,you
think it is wrong to pretend that you’re listening others when you’re not?Well,I
can’t control myself to sit silently and they,too,can’t control themselves to
talk endlessly.It soothes us both.So,all the same.
A recent drama,of which I’ve no information,is depressing
some souls.Honestly speaking,I’ve no interest in it.I didn’t even try to know
my role in it.A shit!.Maybe not for others.
I’ve my mood swings and I have no control over them.I really
can’t.Is it hurting you?why?i mean,when I don’t speak even a word,whether good
or bad,it shouldn’t ,make any difference to you.It should not drive you to
guessing wrong guesses. I am having that stage where I see no one except me
lingering between the hell and hell.Darkness is everywhere.In this,if you talk
to me of morality,then a big wise you’re.When I am running to keep myself away
from that prison,why,you talk to me of that lame love and cynic things that
never existed?why you tell me of those lies that once used to lure me?And why
you wrap your words in indifference when it makes a big difference to you if
you got more or less.Be true to your self and admit that you’re,too,one of
them.I confess,I used to be,but I accept,now I am not.Hell,I care,if it was
more or less.But I surrender my soul in front of you all,that when I’ve
nothing,you may correct this face with your good or cross marks,like that defected
picture,hanging in bazaar.You may criticize:
Ab mein phly jaisi
nahi
I should make it clear,then,
Ab mein phly jaisa
sochti b nahi
Bipolar disorder,this is the word that they say,I’ve.So,it
means I am out of my senses.A mad girl.When I ‘ve no sense to see the world,it’s
people,then why drag me in your dogs?...When I am not able to control my self
to laugh idiotically,and,to stay silent bitterly.It is no more than to swallow poison daily. Then why you force me to be
one of those eyes.My little life is beyond of these things,now.And of which
situation I am,is deplorable.But I shouldn’t be at my knees to make you believe
that ‘I am not like this,but like this’…
You’re free to think as everyone else is.Think what your
brain thinks.And,pray,one day,I,too,get my senses back.And,then,if i would have a
thought of yours…..i’ll make you aware.
Now,here’s just darkness,where I see no one except me
lingering between hell and hell…
If you have something to say to me I'd rather you'd do it directly and without using symbols and neither on your blog. Rather than living in one's own blurred perception of the world and the people in it, come out of your closet and look at things as they are. And for that, if you have an issue with someone, than clear it out rather than harboring bitterness within.
ReplyDeleteSecond. If you have your mood swings and you admit that you have them; do you have any idea what it does to people around? One day you are a saint, the other day you're dancing and yelling and screaming. What are we to do? One day you're quiet, and yesterday you were on the verge of practically killing anyone that came your way. How are people to adapt to this? And then you blame people.
Third. I don't want more marks for myself. I want it for the sake of my parents. I am just like everyone else and I said the same in one of my recent posts. But there is a difference. When someone gets more than me, I don't wish them ill. I don't pray in my heart and go on and talk to Ma'am Faiza ke inke zyaada kyun hain aur mere kyun nahi. I don't do that. So there is a difference. And that is what I meant.
Fourth. I called those people as evil eyes who envy me. I didn't call anyone as dogs; that was my Father's comment.
Fifth. As days go by, I am becoming more and more positive that you have no gentle feeling left in your heart for me (I had predicted it way before) and you confirm it by your behavior. I could be wrong but then what would I know? Mujhe jo dikhta hai usse hi opinions form karun gi like everyone else. I am not complaining of it waise bhi. Because I have stopped caring that's why I leave early from class.
Sixth. I have had problems with depression myself. Lekin iska ye matlab nahi ke if my own life is messed up, I mess up other people's peace of mind as well. I have no right to.
That's probably it. I don't buy your claim of silence because you're rarely silent in class these days. I thought you had made peace with God (pehle ki posts mein aisa hi likha tha tum ne) lekin pata nahi roz roz ek naya hi roop hota hai aapka. I don't know what to do, that's why I do nothing.
If you hate me, I don't mind. But if you have some serious issues with me, talk to me in the face and I'll clear them out for you.
And if you think all of my love and care for you were fake, then I can say the same thing to you. You made your blog private; not me. When you did that I thought ke you don't need me anymore. And you don't even now. Wo first semester mein ek bhoot charha tha aapko mera aur wo kaafi arse ka utar chuka hai. Before accusing people of being fake, first look at your own behavior. I still try to be as polite to you as I can lekin aage se I am not reciprocated to. Hum aise log hain jo khud jo marzi kar lein, phir bhi chaahte hain ke duniya hamaare saath wahi rahe. Pyaar lene ke liye pyaar dena parta hai. Don't call the world fake. Ye be-etmaadi aapki hai, duniya ki nahi.
ReplyDeleteThis is what i was expecting:)....But again,let me stay away from all this mess.I said na k i used to be one of them who went to ma'm FAIZA.but now,i am not.And,again,i've my issues that make me freak.So,guessing,you're not needed and all that is lame.I even don't know what to do with all this.lol at the point'if you hate me!'you're mistaken,i never said so neither i pretended so.It's just your notions,nothing else.When i need to laugh i do,jb mein silent hu to hu!...It's all my madness.And in sb mein yeh sochna k 'meri zarurat nai'she hates me',she is jealouse or bla blah blah!then sorry my dear,i am deeply broken and yeah,you won't believe it and you would rather say k 'excuses'and all that so think what you want to...It's just that i don't specifically want anyone around me.When i want i laugh with them but when i don't i stay silent.it's just that im getting freak by days.and in it,i beg you,keep me away from that list of your's 'nfrt krny waly'bcz i confess,i don't feel anything:)
DeleteOne more thing,jis jga mera dmagh present e nahi q ghasitty ho mujhy udhr?aglay bnda mr rha ho or yha apni pri hoti hai k 'tum bdl gyi'tum phly jaisi nai'meri zarurat nahi'...wakai,pyar dene se e brhta hai na k besbr ho k jaldi se yeh sb sochna k han bhoot chrha tha...yeh hua tha wo hua tha...lol...koi kisi se nfrt nai krta yar,atleast mein to nai krti...Its just k mein nai soch skti thik se..dmagh hila hua hai mera...normal krny k chkro mein abnormal hrkty kr jati hu...tum alehda se soch leti ho...kheir,class se phly ya baad mein jana its up to you.I,too,have left caring,because i can't conrol myself to do abnormalities and other things.
ReplyDeletePut your feet in my shoes.Thne i'll ask you k yeh moral values kdhr jati hai.K u've no right to hurt people.Mein nai krti kisi ko hurt,Atleast,intentionall to nai.
Yar,lastly,mein kisi k liye kuch feel nai krti,i confess.Or yeh jan bhuj k nai krti kbhi chup ki mar prti hai mujhy kbhi be wja bolny ki.Smjh skti ho to bear with me other wise,you've your ways and i won't blame you.
Bs hath jorti hu tumhary agay k mujhy in sb mein shamil nai kro k yeh asay hai wasay hai..jisko apna nai pta yr wo dusro ko kiya handle kre ga.
You again accused me of making my notions jabke upar ki post mein khud hi aapne apne aapko shaamil kiya in those evil eyes and dogs. You weren't one of them, but you did mention it above, didn't you now?
ReplyDeleteSabko apni hi to pari hai. Tumhe bas apne depression ki pari hai, mujhe apne ki pari hai, flaane ko kisi aur cheez ki pari hai. Khair I don't care about anything, main bas tab hi bolti hn jab (last time jo comment delete ki thi wo bhi isliye likhi thi) warna main to yahan comment bhi nahi karti. The only single thing that boils my blood is when you start calling people fake. Lure karna. If you were talking about me, to maine tumhe lure karke pata nahi kya haasil kar liya. I was sincere then, I am sincere now, and I've only gotten headaches by it. Log faayde ke liye lure karte hain, mujhe pata nahi kaunsa faayda milna tha jo maine kiya.
You had turned to God aur pichle posts mein kehti thi ke sukoon milta hai. I don't know if you're still on The Way or not. It's none of my business waise bhi. Apni taraf se jitne bhaashan dene the de liye maine, aur nahi dn gi. Agar namaaz parhti ho to theek ho jao gi ek na ek din, ye mujhe yakeen hai. Nahi to again it's none of my business. You know better. Take care.
lol
Delete