It's Just that I Fear...
There were six beggars in the street.
"Look!".He said
"They should change their locations,or else competitive atmosphere might be an obstacle in earning well."I said wisely.
"Then you should be their super adviser,arrange a meeting and guide them and-"
"Really?!seriously?!,can i?!"
He laughed and then i realized that i was being fooled by him.Never mind,at last,he laughed.Other wise,it seems that laughter is banned on him.
People makes me fool and then take pleasure.
"I think too!"
A time was there when i was left alone and i yearned to be loved but nobody did.I wanted people around me,but no one came.Then people seemed scary and i set myself in "lonesome mode"....
Yes!yesterday i had attack of thoughts.It was like going to face glistening sun when you had been enclosed in dark cell.I couldn't face them.I had no guts.I feared.You may call it my mood-swings,attitude but i call it my helplessness.A situation,in which i feel myself broken.I took an escape.Escapist i am.I wanted to hide myself somewhere,a place in which no one was,but me and only me...and just me!.....
My head was mocking at my words when i use to say these verse to myself:
"Go to them and make them realize
That you're all fine!"
I kept on saying:
"I am fine"
"I am fine"
"I am fine"
And then a third voice appeared:
"you're not fine,you failure!"
I buried my head in my arms and wept....
I want to be alone,at least for now,i want to be.They watch me as if i am an alien and then their stinging eyes hurt me.It makes me depress.And now,i am broken,on my knees.I fear,you might laugh at my fears and call them lame.I fear that my presence won't make any difference to you.So,it's better to stay away and sit on the shore,rather than to float on the river.
Jiju is on his way,and after a few hours he'll be here.Oh!again guests!faking smiles!and my fears!....ugh!
Should i go to college to have an escape from guests?!,oh no!there's going to be a birthday party and again people and their talks and my fears!...huff!
Why didn't the world end,today?!!!!
Hell!
Laugh at my fears and call them lame? Funny.
ReplyDeleteI curse myself for using the word 'lame' because if it annoys anyone the most, it's me. I created a monster, gaah!
I don't know if I was mistaken, but after the exam Rafia and I stood outside waiting for you. I saw you come and I really don't know if I was mistaken, I think you saw us there waiting. And you quickly retraced your step and hid inside. I felt that you wanted to be alone.
'Chal yaar chalein hum bhi', I said to Rafia.
'Yaar lekin aa gayi Zainab, dekh', she replied.
'Aa jaaye gi.'
I could be mistaken. Maybe you didn't see us. Maybe someone called you from behind and that's why you went back in again. Maybe you had forgotten something inside and went to get it. I don't know. The fact that we waited, the fact that I didn't rush inside to grab you by your wrist to take you with me, can show that I respected your 'lame' fears. If she wants to be alone, it's okay with me, I say. Let's go easy on her. Because I know sometimes one wants that quietness. My eyes would still be searching, I would turn my head again and again to see if you had come, and that shows that I want your presence. So when you say,
'I fear, you might laugh at my fears and call them lame. I fear that my presence won't make any difference to you.'
I don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah,i intentionally went back,because.... i don't know why i did so,but i thought it right to go somewhere else....
DeleteSo I thought.
DeleteDon't think that your fears and mood swings are lame or whatever. There's no birthday party tomorrow, by the way. I don't know about others, but I do know about myself. When you want to be alone, I don't try to suffocate you. When you want company, I'll be right there where you last saw me. The seat next to you.
Stay blessed. And try to smile reading this. It's not that hard. Just curl the end of your lips up a little. Try. Even if it won't change anything inside, you'll at least pass a second looking pretty.
Second option would work!
ReplyDeleteWell then don't blame me if I suffocate you to death. :P Or tease you to death. :P:P
ReplyDeletelol!bdw thanks!
Delete