Untold Confessions...

"This is not how relationships work.You could have understood.You could have stopped.You could have listened what I had to say.You left.You left without even listening to me.Yes, I made myself fool by listening to others and did something disgusting and hurt you.It was my fault but after when you were hurt, it was you who was more important to me.I apologized but you never read those words.You never even turned back to see how I felt regret.You are gone.And here, I sit with a heart that is heavy with regret"

These are the words that I want to say directly to him by watching straight into his eyes.But I can never do this.I have not even seen him properly.I can never make an eye contact to him.I feel shy and coward.Sometimes, I wish time to stop so that I can see him.I wish time to stop so that I can see how his eyes, nose, lips and the face exactly looks like.I want to see him without even letting him know that I am watching him closely.

Yes, dear reader, I couldn't sleep the whole night.I thought of him.I thought how he would have ceased to think of me.I might have been replaced by another girl.Am I that easy to forget? Did I never make any difference? How can he not think of me? Should I go back and tell him that I am sorry? Should I ask him to stay? But how? I am stuck in doubts.I am stuck in my insecurities.I am stuck in thoughts that I stand nowhere in his world.I was just a girl to whom he talked and left and I am thinking too much.Should I leave thinking? Should I move on the way he has moved on? But at the same time, I don't want him to think of me as someone for whom it was "alright" when he didn't want anything from me.

"Please, I don't want to listen, see or hear anything from you."

"Alright."

Seriously? Did I say "alright"? I felt my heart sinking while reading his text.I wanted to explain so many things to him but all I could say was Alright. This is how I am.I fail to make people realize their real worth for me.I have been writing for five years and this blog knows that how sensitive I can be.In reality, I act being indifferent.Yes.I have stopped chasing him.I have stopped messaging him.But I'll never stop sending him vibes that he is still valued and missed in my world.I don't believe in love but I do believe in devotion.My devotion to him will stay fresh and ripe in my mind.I have thought of so many options to call him back.

He has not read my apology letter.Maybe, I can write that post to him at pages on this Sunday or maybe I should talk to him directly?

I cannot do both of the things.He doesn't even want to see me.I terribly wish him to read these words.Words that I can never say directly to him.But he will never read this.He will never come back and he will always make me suffer through this regret that we could have it all. We were not destined to be together.Forever is a false thing to believe in.

Did you never like me? Did you never grow fond of me? Are you that inhumane? Did you never feel the same compassion I hold for you?

These are the questions I want to ask you but I know I can never do this.I know I am not needed.I know I am least wanted.I know I am fading from your memories.I know I am just another girl.I know I don't matter.

There are so many things that I want to do with you.I want to have a long walk with you.I want to walk and watch the world through your lens.But I can never do this and you will never know this.You are a wonderful person to whom I want to know deeply.I wish to stand by your side proudly.I am asking for too much.A girl like me shouldn't dream a man like you.

I would love to have a dream where I could have your head in my lap and I won't feel shy anymore and I would run my fingers through your hair and ask things to you:

"What are you thinking? How are you feeling? What have we done to each other? What will we do?

I have so much to explain to you but I would end up maintaining silence.A silence which will make you feel that I don't care.How I wish to tell you that I care.I adore and I will hold the charm of us.

Isn't it what we call devotion?

Peace.