When I Fear...

Nowadays, I am telling myself very strange things. I feel myself no longer a girl but a phenomenon. An essence that has to transform itself into something other than what it was used to be. I find comfort in him. A comfort that was yearned for so long. He knows how to calm my inner storm. He is an ideal person for me. But can I be the ideal? 

I hate my indecisive nature. There are things about which I am uncertain but then I leave things up to him like people leave matters to God.I trust him blindly that he can never do anything to me that might hurt me. I just need to confess some very serious things to myself. Perhaps, I need a little time alone with myself. Yes. Its me who needs to be heard.

I try talking to my own self. I try lessening the distance with myself. 45 minutes of travel and I cannot tell myself, "Dearest you, get some fucking life.You never deserved what you suffered through.This is life...He is your life...He is a comfort.A shelter.Protection.Stay with him.Cling to him and tell him how badly you need him to calm you...."

Dear self, You love him.You love him like you love the warmth of coffee in morning.He is your man.Your one man.