In My Lonely World...

There's a wilder garden at the back of our home.And when i,sometimes,sit near the window i watch it eagerly.Not even one green tree is there!Poor garden!.There's a school,also,in front of our house.She says,it makes her time to pass when she hears children's noise and their petty disputes.I feel so warm and peaceful when i watch that garden and when children run along the ground,their noise has such a pure melody...close to nature!...

Only then i forget the hell in which i am burning!...

But a time comes when these two things loose their charm for me and i feel suffocation.My eyes try to find a child in so many children who might be like me...alone in crowd..having no one besides...just alone...What would happen when he will become like me?!...A freak....!!..What he would do?!...oh!..i pray that no child would become like me....It's so horrible,you know!...Like it hurts when you see them,enjoying and what you have to do just nod your head!....

I've developed so many fears.Like,i might be dead at the age of 25...And my marital life is not going to be a perfect one.I might get divorced or something else.These are just fears but the thing of which i am damn sure is this that i'll be all alone.In past,i was alone and even in future i'll be alone.I've great wrath for life.Like,i want to kill myself and He is my witness that i've tried it for so many times.The night when i tried to jump from the roof to that garden.The chill was there but sweat covered my body.How to forget all this?!...

Why i couldn't jump?....Time will come when i'll do it.And i know i'll!...Watch me,and i'll fade from your life.

Dhundo ge agr mulko mulko 

Milney ko nahi nayab hain hum....

I remember the day when i listened this verse.

You shouldn't have said so!!

Why?!

It's horrible!

What?!

I mean...stop!it is cutting my nerves...stop!stop!

Feeling well?!

No!hell!why you said so?!

Ok,go drink some water and smell some perfume...You know it helps me when i get depressed...

What?!

Yeah!try!

Ok!

Now?!

I am about to faint!...It didn't work...

Bye!

What?!

You're impossible...

I hate them,all.

I feel myself so little and so...You!what a fun it is to sit there and watch me at my worst,eh?!...I might turn out an agnostic,one day.Put me in hell,i give a damn care.Isn't it more than hell?!...Better not to comment on this point of mine.It's mine and His personal matter so stay away!...

"kiya hu mein?!...kiya?!...mein wakai insan hu ya sirf ik soch..ik khyaal...ik fikr...ik ehsaas,jo sb ko hota hai mgr phir ghayeb ho jata hai..mera konsa chehra thik hai?..jb mein kehti hu k mujhy nafrt hai sb se ya jb mein kahu k mujhy sb chahye?!..mein kon hu?!...Bohat dair bad agr wo wapis aye to mujhy dar hai k mujhy unki zarurat nai rhy gi...Ab a jana chahye wrna din guzr jaye ga or raat ko to suna hai raastay b ajnabi ho jaty hain.."

                     -A page from my diary-

I don't know why i wrote such a lame post but i want to write more and more.But if i'll write you might hate my thoughts.So,better to leave.And,now let me drink water and smell some perfume i didn't tell that it did work....

Here,the sun is playing hide and seek with us.And i am watching it's shadow in my empty hand.School has been closed and garden is at its worst.

 

Allah Hafiz...!!